Numb but Not Alone
by Lapidus
Summary: Garrus was never good with these things, but he'll try his best to help his best friend cope with Thane's death.


_**Shepard**_

"We are gathered here to honor the life of Thane Krios. Thane touched each of our lives in different ways. For me, meeting him was probably the best thing to happen to me. I never thought I would be so lucky to have known and love him. He called me "Siha", his warrior angel, but he may have been as much of an angel to me as he claims I was to him. He was not just a brother-in-arms, he was a companion, a friend, someone who showed me that there is more to life than fighting, and most importantly someone who loved me as much as I loved him. He was a great man and deserved a better fate than this." I took a small pause and remembered how he didn't want to die in a hospital. I would have chuckled at the irony if I were not in front of friends and his only family and at his memorial service.

"He worked hard to try to make this galaxy a better place before he died. He may have been an assassin, but he knew respect and mercy unlike any other. He followed an honorable code that only made others respect him." Looking down at my feet, I closed my eyes to take another pause before looking up again, blinking back tears and continuing.

"Thane will definitely be missed. He will be missed for his courage, honor, loyalty, camaraderie, and determination. What I will miss about Thane the most will definitely be the way he smiled whenever he saw the sunset on Illium. When I asked him why he loved sunsets so much, he said the sunset reminded him of the day he met his wife. He said he first felt love for his wife when she stepped in front of an assassin to save someone she didn't even know." I took a slow deep breath to stop my heart from racing. "When he knew his time was close, he chose to do nearly the same thing for someone he didn't even know. Just as he loved his wife for it, I still love him for it. And I don't think that will ever change." I swallowed the lump in my throat after choking out those last words. I held back the flood of tears aching to come out, trying not to break down during the eulogy. I noticed the concerned faces of my crew and Kolyat as I did my best to keep my composure. These people had the right to be concerned. They have never seen their commander bawling over death. Usually I wouldn't, but this death hit me the worst out of all the death I've seen in my life.

"Would anyone else like to speak?" I said quickly. I felt the tears wanting to break through as if it were a dam crumbling at the weight of a flood. I stared at whoever's mouth was moving. I couldn't hear the words. All I could hear was the sound of my heart, racing. Even as the next person spoke I couldn't hear a word they said. My head felt numb, my body felt numb. The only thing I did feel was my chest aching. My heart ached and I felt every bit of the pain. I watched as the last person, Garrus finished speaking. He looked at me with worried eyes and I broke our eye contact and looked at Kolyat.

Kolyat stared right at me. He seemed to be on the verge of tears as well. I walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Would you like to say anything Kolyat?" I asked with a cracked voice. He nodded, his expression now unreadable. 'He definitely is his son.' I thought. Kolyat surprisingly kept his composure during his speech. 'Just like his father, he knows how to stay composed and always mysterious.' A small smile graced my lips and faded when Kolyat made eye contact with me. "When I was little, I thought my father had it all figured out. He said men must be loyal to their friends and dangerous to their enemies. But when he prevented me from... from hurting someone, he had changed. He said enemies and ego are not as important as loved ones. I didn't want to hear it. I was... lost," he paused and took a breath "I called him a hypocrite in a thousand different ways, said he was going soft." After he said this, the pain on his face was clear as day. I could only wonder what Kolyat was really feeling inside. Regret? maybe. Love? Definitely. "Now... I think maybe he did have it all figured out." He turned his head to look at me. His eyes caused me only more heartache. I saw Thane in his eyes. "Commander Shepard, I must thank you for the time you spent with my father. You certainly brightened the days that would have been dark without you." A small smile broke out on Kolyat's face and nodded before his expression recoiled back to neutral. His face did not match his voice however as his voice cracked when he said "If anyone has anything else to say, we'll be here." while looking down.

At the reception I walked over to Kolyat when the guests began filing out. "Looks like people are starting to clear out." I pointed out as I stopped to stand next to the young drell. "Shepard, I want to thank you for holding this service. In time, it will be a good memory." Kolyat stared in front of him, with a blank expression on his face. I stood next to him probably with a similar expression. "It was the least I could do. Your father was dear to me." I explained. He nodded and finally turned to me. "Shepard, while I was organizing my father's belongings I found a box of handwritten letters and a datapad of emails and video messages from my father to you. I sent the datapad to your room along with the box. I hope it brings you more peace than pain." My heart stopped for a moment. Thane did mention sending emails and video messages to me when I was on Earth. "Thank you Kolyat, but I may need some time before looking at them." He nodded, understanding my pain.

"If you'll excuse me, I should take this opportunity to speak with the Counselor," He stated. I glanced at him, arching an eyebrow, "About what?" I asked. He turned to me and I did the same. "He is feeling grateful, and I want to point out there are some Salarian biologists who need funding." He said with a small smile. "If anyone would be able to create a breakthrough in the treatment of Kepral's syndrome, it would be them." he said with a hopeful glint in his eye. "If you need someone to hold the councilor's feet to a fire, I'm there." I said with a serious tone. This needed to happen. There were no 'ifs' 'ands' or 'buts' allowed. He cracked a small smile and let it fall. "I appreciate the offer, but Councilor Valern has recently orated about funding science during wartime. My odds are good," he stated. I smiled. "I think your father would have liked that Kolyat. He would be proud of you." He gave a weak smile. "I'm glad that you entered my father's life. Even just for a little while. You managed to give both of us peace in a dire time, thank you for everything Shepard." I shook his extended hand and nodded. "I'll see you around Kolyat. Good luck." with that Kolyat nodded and walked away. 'Thane, I wish you could be around to see what your son is accomplishing.' I thought with a weak bitter smile.

I sat down on the couch facing the fire and stared at nothing in particular. I don't know how long I sat there but eventually Garrus sat down next to me. "I'm not very good at this sort of thing, and I'm not sure how humans... cope, but if it makes you feel any better we can go get a drink." He said softly. I nodded silently and stood. Garrus stood and put a hand on my shoulder. "Come on, I know a good place. No loud music, no dancers." We both walked out of my apartment in silence.

 _ **3rd Person**_

"Alright here we are." Garrus slurred. He tossed the keys, aiming for the couch and instead hit the wooden coffee table and rattled onto the floor. He winced at the noise, but continued to lead his wasted best friend to her room. She had an arm around the turian's waist and he had an arm around her shoulder.

Just a moment ago they were drunkenly singing, chanting and swaying around the presidium, holding onto each other for balance. However, as soon as they entered the apartment complex, as if on cue, Shepard went silent. When Garrus noticed his female companion was suddenly silent he too stopped his ravings.

Garrus turned right to enter Shepard's room. He let go of Shepard and gently lowered her down onto the bed. When he looked at her face he noticed the blank look coming from her red eyes and the signs of tears that trailed her cheeks . He kneeled next to her bed and held her hand in his best attempts to comfort her. Stroking her knuckles with his thumb seemed to only make her cry more. Garrus jumped in response to her sudden outburst and began panicking. "Oh! uh, shit, I didn't... mean to... make you cry Shepard... Sorry..." he fumbled. Shepard sat up and crossed her legs on the bed, facing him. She sniffed and kept her grip on his hand and smiled weakly. "No it's not you. I was just remembering something is all. Sorry I scared you." she wiped at the tears on her face with the palm of her hand. "Its okay. Guess I still have a lot to learn about you humans and your strange ways to express emotion. Because see, with turians, we're straightforward expressing our emotions. You humans seem to have a whole spectrum of feelings and there are just so many damn complications," he took a breath and sighed shaking his head. "it makes my head spin." he said with exasperation.

When Shepard let out a broken, congested chuckle he knew she was heading in the right direction. They stayed there like this for a few minutes with only white noise to take up the empty space. Neither of them spoke and neither of them looked at each other, but the simple physical contact they shared holding each other's hands seemed to bring Shepard more comfort than words ever could.

"Hey Garrus," Shepard whispered. This made Garrus snap his head up to look at her, waiting for her to continue. "Do you mind if you stay the night?" she asked, staring at their joined hands. "Of course Shepard." he answered. It was obvious her question took him by surprise with the way he answered her.

As they parted hands, Shepard readied the bed. She pulled the sheets back and kicked off her sandals. When she looked at Garrus he was out of his armor and seemed to be wearing civilian clothes. "Well, now you know what I wear under all the armor" he chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. Auditing a giggle from Shepard lifted the tension in the room. They both slid in under the covers and Shepard turned the lights off with a remote.

Garrus laid on his back with a protective arm around Shepard. Shepard rested her head on his shoulder, wrapping an arm around him in return. "Hey Garrus," Shepard whispered a little softer than before. He again waited for her to continue, "you know you're my best friend in this whole damn galaxy right?" Garrus let out a chuckle that only vibrated his subvocals. "And you know you're also my best friend in this whole damn galaxy right?" He looked down at his best friend and saw a bright smile. Her eyes were still full of tears, but she was smiling. "Dammit not again. Shepard I don't know why you're crying," he groaned and let his head fall back and used his free hand to rest on his face. Shepard laughed. "You turians are hilarious. Always got a stick up your butts, even your emotions are constantly in uniform" She wiped her face again with the palm of her hand and sniffed. "Yeah yeah make fun of our sharply dressed emotions c'mon," he rolled his eyes and scoffed. Garrus left a ghost of a smile creep onto his face listening to his partner in crime's laughter.

The room was silent again when Shepard's fit of laughter was over. Garrus assumed she had fallen asleep after her long and painful day. 'And the endless shots with an extra shot of ryncol probably did something too,' Garrus mused. He stared at the ceiling for a while before closing his eyes. "Hey Garrus," a soft, cracking voice whispered. Garrus opened his eyes and whispered back "you okay?" "No," she answered. He heard a few sniffs and noticed her hand moved from his chest to her face again. "I... I just..." she breathed heavily, something Garrus knew that humans did when they cried. "Breathe Morgan." he said softly. Shepard took a few breaths and continued, "I miss him." She breathed out. Garrus squeezed her, hoping it would help make her feel safe at least. "I know you do," he whispered, not knowing what else to say. "Why did this have to happen? He was a good person and didn't deserve this," she continued with a slightly more steadier breath this time. This time he knew what to say, "He really didn't. You're right, he was a good man. A good man who would have been in serious pain to see his, what did he call you? Saya? Seya?" he asked, feeling a bit annoyed that he couldn't remember. "Siha." She corrected with a hint of humor in her answer. "Right. Well he would have been in serious pain to see his siha like this. And then probably kick my ass because I'm here in bed with you." he said the last part quickly.

When she didn't respond Garrus felt a groan inch up his throat until Shepard said, "Garrus I'm glad you're my best friend," she said with a smile. She sniffed a few times again. "Why's that?" he asked. "Don't worry about it," she said teasingly before closing her eyes. "Sure sure whatever. Didn't want to know anyway." he said sarcastically before drifting off to sleep.

 **Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read this! This is one of my first fanfics, but this is the first one I've ever shared!**

 **Sorry if any of the characters were written incorrectly, I'm still trying to practice. If you have any concerns or critiques, I'll gladly fix anything!**

 **A little explanation:**

 **I'm SO in love with the idea of cuddling with a friend without making it sexual or romantic in any way. I do this with my best friend (who, I should add is of the opposite sex). Also yes I did add and remove some things from the original dialogue of Thane's memorial and it might be a little too long or seems very disorganized, but what if you were a person giving a eulogy for someone you loved in front of people who respect you and you can't allow yourself to cry, but you also have all of these emotions in you? Yes its very disorganized for a reason. Shepard can't think straight with all of these pent up feelings she needs to suppress.**


End file.
